Sarky's Skyrim Misadventures
by addrinum
Summary: An old mercenary veteran returns to homeland, but not too old for this shit.
1. Chapter 1

**Bumpy Ride to the Chopping Block**

A snowflake the size of a marble flew with high velocity into my ear, bringing with it my lost consciousness back into my skull, and lodging itself somewhere near the hippocampus. _Man, I forgot how harsh Skyrim wind is_ – was the first thought that presented itself in my aching brain, once it unfroze. Then, when most of the rest of my neurological functions kicked in, I fluttered my eyelids open as sudden realization hit me – _I'm home_.

Vertigo overcame me, as did the strong need to vomit. Everything was blurry and I couldn't tell what's up and what down. I was disoriented and my head hurt like it was about to fall off. And on top of all these miseries, my body was thumping wildly on the hard wooden bench of a carriage. As I was fighting the urge to squeal like a lost puppy, I cast a quick glance around my surroundings, noticing I was in a carriage with three other personas unknown to me, in the middle of a caravan, with what looked like a military escort.

_Great, I've gotten myself into trouble again_ \- I thought to myself miserably. _My dad was right, I should have been a fuckin baker_.

"Hey, you. You're finally awake." said the man right across from me, pulling me out of my grim thoughts and into the harsh, cold reality of Skyrim.

"You were trying to cross the border, right. Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there." while he was saying that, a sudden and mildly painful flashback reminded me that I was hit in the head with a sword hilt, by the lovely Imperial soldiers who bring justice to every citizen of the Empire. I didn't even know what was going on, I had just crossed the border into Skyrim ending a long and arduous journey, when suddenly I heard I rider galloping with great speed behind me, and just as I was about to turn around, BAM and blackness.

"Damn you Stormcloaks" the man labeled as thief started his own monologue which I haven't paid much attention to, as I was feeling cold, and there was drumming in my ears. I was just looking around trying to soak in as much landscape as I could, for I haven't seen the mountains I was born in for too long. I spent many a decade away from home, waging other people's battles for a fistful of gold, and now that I'm finally back I unwittingly get myself into a beautiful mess like this. Stormcloak rebellion, something I didn't take quite seriously when listening about it in faraway Tamriel inns. But now it's finally hit home.

The guard was shutting these two up, no doubt cranky for spending his time freezing his ass off in saddle. It's not just the weather here, people are cold too. Like stone chiseled directly from these mountains, they stand upright, unrelenting in the strongest of winds. This rebellion is the product of that unbending national characteristic.

And thus, the guard's effort to promote silence was ignored, conversation I paid no attention to carried on undiscouraged. The thief started fretting nervously, it seemed the poor guy just started to realize this isn't a ride to a carnival, and even broke down and started praying to his gods at one point, just as we started to approach a small settlement and someone shouting our arrival and calling for a headsman. _Helgen_, I recalled the name of the town. _Last time I was here I was also crossing the border, but in the other direction._ As we wheeled our way through town, I couldn't help but remember everything that has led me to leave my homeland. But all that grim shit is buried beneath even more grim shit, and the fact that the end of the line was creeping near, interfered with all thinking. Even before I saw it, I smelled it. I smelled blood on more occasions than I could remember. The chopping block, so simple a thing and yet so useful for the hardest of tasks. Killing someone is not an easy thing, but with proper equipment it sure becomes easier. As we were passing a house, a man ushered his child inside, no doubt knowing what's up. We parked conveniently close to the block, and started hopping out of the wagon one by one.

The thief was becoming increasingly upset, shouting about this being a mistake like that's going to change a damn thing. They don't call out the executioner if they are going to have second thoughts.

"Step towards the block when we call your name. One at a time." shouted a woman in captain's uniform. And pretty soon names Ulfric and Ralof were called out and they stepped towards the block like real gentlemen. But the thief, when his name came up, suddenly decided to pull off a miracle and fly away into freedom, but something must have gone wrong because he only ran pitifully slow, and earned an arrow in the back for his attempt.

"Anyone else feel like running?" shouted the captain over the crowd of prisoners.

"Wait. You there. Step forward." a soldier holding the list said looking at me. I did as ordered. "Who are you?" he asked with genuine interest in his voice.

Obviously not being on the list I said "A man in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Forget the list. He goes to the block." said the female captain who obviously didn't want to tire herself with paperwork. The soldier said something that sounded like a meager apology "...at least you will die here in your homeland." he said. _Well, I did come back because I didn't want my tombstone to be in a foreign land _I thought to myself bitterly.

I was ordered to follow the captain and so I did. I joined the other prisoners listening to a general delivering a speech to Ulfric, the alpha Stormcloak, when an unnatural roar ripped the sky. Paying no attention to it, the well oiled Imperial machine carried on with the show of the day. A priestess was asked to give us last rites but was rudely interrupted by a Stormcloak, who apparently didn't have all morning, as he was busy getting his head chopped off. When his mouth was permanently disconnected from his anus, head safely in the basket, and body kicked away for my convenience, I was forced politely to take his spot. Another powerful roar filled our ears, but was dismissed again by the captain who seems to consider cutting people's heads off as the most important mission in her life.

I got on my knees in front of the block, kindly helped down with the captain's foot. I put my head down on the block, with a big tower, a bigger mountain, and an even bigger axe in the hands of the executioner, as my last image of the world before I die. Focused on the axe I kind of missed a huge dragon in the backround...

The axe raised slowly and my whole life flashed before my eyes...

The plight that made me leave Skyrim...

The mercenary work...

The Daedra work...

I was not a good man. I deserve to die. I closed my eyes and waited in silent anticipation.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**A Dragon Swoops A Man Jumps**

Sudden hotness engulfs me, coupled with a falling down sensation, with unbelievable screaming ripping my ears. _That's it, I'm finally using my long ago earned ticket down to Hell. I haven't expected death to be like this at all _I thought, while waiting do dive into an ocean of lava, or Styx, or whatever it is down here.

As my ears recovered from excruciating noise delivered unto them, I was certain I lost what was left of my left ear hearing capacity, already having lost much of the hearing in that left ear(ing) due to unhealthy proximity to really loud spells in the past.

I heard people running and shouting, but the cacophony was so intense I couldn't discern what was going on. I opened my eyes cautiously, half-expecting to see the All-Dirty himself, but instead of his dark omnipresence, there sits what looks like a big-ass dragon on top of a tower. _Wow, Hell really hires everyone these days._

It was like I was back in the carriage, my vision was all fuzzy and coordination off. I tried to get up but something went wrong and I hugged the ground with my face. I pathetically forgot I was still in bounds. _Man this head trauma is killing me,_ I thought, annoyed.

"Hey kinsman. Get up! Come on, the gods won't give us another chance!"

Well thank the Gods they saved me from an axe, by sending a goddamn dragon swooping to the rescue. That is so like all of them. "This way" beckoned the stormcloak named Ralof. I ran after him into a stone watchtower. There we were greeted by a blood painting on the floor, and two stormcloaks- possible owners of the said crimson masterpiece. And blonde by the door man whose name was...

"Jarl Ulfric! What is that thing? Could the legends be true?" spouted Ralof.

"Legends don't burn down villages." Ulfric calmly exclaimed. Beastial roaring was heard from the outside, reminding everyone about a pressing concern of ours.

"We need to move. Now!" bellowed Ulfreaky. We all started running up the stairs.

"Up through the tower, let's go." pointed Ralof, to the only possible route.

"Move" yelled Ulfreaky( it's kinda catchy).

We all started running up the stairs, as fast as common sense and laws of physics allowed. Interrupted halfway by an invasive dragon head, I started to think my life extension wasn't for long, as this dragon surely wants to roast my ass. Or maybe he likes his human asses well cooked and seasoned with pepper, who knows.

After a cheap fire-breathing trick, the dragon head retreated, leaving behind a gaping hole in the wall. Ralof walked up to me and said: "See the inn on the other side? Jump through the roof and keep going!"

Looking at a half-burned down inn through haze of smoke, I could see crystal clear the brilliance of his simple plan.

"Yeah, maybe I land into a barrel of mead while I'm at it." I said right before I jumped, like a man jumps into fire, drunkenly, still half passed out by the tortures my brain has endured in my skull. As I was falling down, I caught Ralof saying something like "see ya later" and I felt like the biggest fool this side of atmosphere. I landed in a burning inn, hurting my ankle a bit when I touched ground. _I should listen to my common sense more than other people, because other people are stupid_ I thought to myself as I was trying to find the quickest exit out of yet another horrible death, this time by fire. With no arrows pointing any way, I ran in a random direction until I fell through the floor. Landing nicely on all my limbs, I ran out of the burning building. In the street I saw a little boy who was hilariously oblivious of a dragon breathing down his neck. _Not that I've proven any better_. The various people standing in vicinity were just shouting at him to get away, not doing anything to help him. I sprinted towards him, grabbing him by his wrist, and in a running motion just picked him up and threw him over my head in the general direction of what appeared to be the boy's father. He landed safely into fatherly arms, and I just bolted outta there, straining myself physically in my wounded state, which prompted severe ringing in my ears that resembled high-pitched applause.

Now a soldier I recognized as being the one with the list, told me to come with him if I want to live, and I agreed. It is a good idea as it might slightly elevate my chances of survival, simply by having a meat-popsicle in a tasty looking uniform for the dragon as tribute if he swoops down again. I followed him around and he, as anticipated, knew his way around the settlement. He stayed close to the walls, navigating his way around just below the dragon's awful fire-breath. He said something about joining the defense, but all he had with himself was a sword that didn't give off that dragon-killin feelin, so I had my bets down on the dragon.

_This day just couldn't be any better_. No sooner has this thought materialised in my brain, than has a dragon suddenly roared making my brain resonate in my skull. _God, I was wrong._

As we were hugging the wall like a mother hugs a newborn, the oversized fire-breathing bat perched itself on top of said wall. My imperial soldier new best friend and I were right under its wing. Wonder if people will notice if I shit myself right now. But the people were busy screaming while acquiring the smell of a turkey burning in the oven.

When the dragon was satisfied with his roasting achievement it flew off, no doubt to find some more things to burn. The soldier did the sensible thing and started running, past his comrades that were in despair over the catastrophe and houses that looked equally distressed. I followed him, hoping he had some sort of a plan to escape this hell.

As we were heading for the safety of a keep, we ran into some old friends. I nodded towards the blondy called Ralof and said "Hey, I remember you, we met at that execution thing, right?" No one seemed to pay heed to my smartass remark as the Imperial soldier and the Stormcloak locked gazes. "Ralof you fucking traitor, what are you..." started the soldier but Ralof cut him off saying "Fuck off Hadvar we are leaving". They continued staring at each other. "Wow this is tense" I said "do you two need some privacy?" This seemed to bring both man back to reality that there is the pressing concern of a dragon loose in the town. "Fine, I hope the dragon bites your asses of!" and with that the soldier left. "This way" said Ralof motioning me towards the keep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Does the Bear Shit in the Dungeon**

Once we were inside I felt a bit relieved. This looked like a sturdy stone keep, able to keep the dragon at bay. "You okay, kinsman?" Ralof asked me. "Oh, I'm terrific. Nothing like cheating death to make you feel alive." Ralof smiled. "You are brave kinsman." Then he put on a serious face "I'm getting out of here, you with me?" I laughed, "As much as I like playing the most thrilling game of hide and seek in my life, I think I want to go home. Don't wanna miss my evening cartoons" Ralof looked at me with a puzzled look on his face and said "Oookaay, look around for some supplies first"

_This man is a real fountain of good ideas _I thought to myself as I started scouring the room. I found some armor and a mace, my favourite weapon. Then I downed some health potions I found on a table. The bruises and the pain in my head left me, leaving me feeling like I didn't have a worry in the world. I also found some apples and carrots in some neatly arranged barrels. Ralof was waiting for me by the door. "You rea- what are you doing?" I was munching on the carrot "I heard it's good for your eyesight" I simply said.

We entered what appeared to be one of those fun places people with no sense of humor call a torture dungeon. It had really nice interior decorations in the form of skeletons occupying some cells and bird cages. "Trespassers!" shouted some ugly elf in robes and started throwing magic all over the place. Ralof, still the guy with bright ideas, charged the mage with his sword. Not wanting to get a magic massage, no matter how great it sounded, I avoided the mage and instead focused on the couple of soldiers which were probably there to make sure the corpses don't make an escape attempt. "Sorry for CRUSHING the party!" I shouted as I pulverized a soldier's skull with my mace.

After a couple of seconds I was covered in the blood of dead soldiers. _Hope mom will be able to wash the stains off_ I thought to myself as I was moving towards the mage from behind. Ralof was still valiantly absorbing what appeared to be a magic cold shower while flailing his sword around that wasn't slowing the mage one bit. _Bloody elf, why couldn't he get a normal job instead of being a torturer here_ I thought, _like pizza-boy or something. _I courageously attacked the mage from behind splitting his spine in two with my mace. The elf crumpled down on the floor with a whimper. Ralof wiped the sweat off his brow saying "Thanks, brother. Damn elf was tougher than expected". "No problem-o" I said as I was examining my mace up and down. "I think it needs a name. Something that will instill fear in the hearts of my enemies, but be catchy at the same time."

"You're right kinsman, a man's weapon is his best friend. How about Bludger?" said Ralof. I said "Sounds good but not catchy enough, maybe Bludango, or Bludingo… I GOT IT – BLUDILDO!"I started waving my mace around to emphasize the its horrific name. Ralof was looking at me with an incredulous expression saying "I think that hit to the head has messed with your mind a bit, kinsman. You are spouting nonsense and behaving real funny. But", he sighed, "you can obviously handle yourself in a fight if all those scars on your body and the corpses on the floor are indicative of anything. So, pull yourself together and let's get out of here".

_This guy is really overdoing it with all the common sense_ I thought _But he's right, even though I drowned in health potions my head is still pulsating and I really do feel funny myself. What is going on? Is there something wrong with me. Hey it's probably… Damn, I'm hungry._ We walked through a door and just as I was taking a bite from an apple an arrow hit it, its head deepthroating me, but thankfully it didn't wound me besides making me lose my appetite. There were more soldiers here, on the other side of a creek separating the room. I pulled out my trusty mace Bludildo and charged the rude fuckers. After a couple of minutes of head-crushingly glorious battle, many corpses littered the ground. Ralof looked at me in awe "You are really good at this, brother. Where did you learn how to fight?" "At Tamriel's most violent sandboxes, of course" I said as I was pulling out the Bludildo out of a poor man's head. "I don't feel right, my head really is all mushy as you noticed. Let's get out of here so I can find a head doctor, or something".

As the adrenaline of the day's events was fading I was becoming more and more aware of the poor state of my mind. Yesterday's me would never behave in this way, or say things I don't know the meaning of myself. _What I really need is to eat a whole roasted chicken, masturbate and sleep for a week_ I thought to myself as we were making our way through some cave. I managed to find some coins next to a skeleton, making me wonder about the fate of the said lost soul. Something appeared to have picked his bones clean, and knowing Skyrim's caves it's probably something nasty. What it really was, presented itself soon enough in the form of a sleeping bear. Ralof whispered to me "Bears are dangerous" winning another prize for common sense. "We can sneak past it, or take it by surprise, your choice". He handed me a bow and some arrows. "Did you hear of the expression – never poke a sleeping bear?" I asked. "Of course," replied Ralof, "It is known". I said "Well I think it's better to poke it when it's sleeping than when it's wide awake and hungry". I let out an arrow which lodged itself right in the bear's but. It couldn't have gone deep though, because the bear just sleepily scratched its ass and went right back to sleep. _Fuck this_ I thought as I went over to the bear and started bludgeoning it in the skull. The bear was not a morning person because it barely moved a muscle as I was killing it. Once I was done I washed the Bludildo in the creek and said to Ralof "See, it was easy as killing an unarmed baby". Ralof stifled a chuckle and simply said "You are crazy, kinsman".

"Come on here's the exit". Ralof beckoned me and I stepped through the cave's mouth into the lovely Skyrim weather.


	4. Chapter 4

**Stone Cold Level Up**

We were outside the cave. Ralof looked at me and said "Congratulations kinsman, looks like our executions have been postponed indefinitely. Which reminds me, I don't even know your name?" "It's Sarky" I said. Ralof was surprised "Of the Sardonic clan from Windhelm? I knew your father, he baked the best bread in Skyrim." I laughed "He was just the owner. It was his drunkard elf that baked the bread. If he was conscious enough to do it that is." Ralof looked sad "I was sorry to hear about his death. Whole of Windhelm was surprised that a person can die from too much sarcasm." _I remember he smashed his head on the wall repeatedly, after his imperial customer believed him that they really made bread from snow. _"Yea, it was a real tragedy" I said.

Ralof glanced around "I have a sister in Riverwood, that's where I'm headed, you can come along if you'd like" Not wanting to be alone and find myself on the way to another head chopping festival, I nodded my head. "I'll stick with you. I've been away from home for a long time." Ralof shook his head "You picked one hell of a moment to come back. There is a civil war going on. And now the dragons are back." _Yes, I almost forgot about that. They've been gone for hundreds of years, and now one pops up, and wreaks havoc, interrupting a wonderfully organized execution._ "People really need to learn how to train their dragon" I said.

We started walking down a path, admiring the beautiful Skyrim landscape. The evergreen forests, wild flowers, rushing rivers, snowcapped mountains, and butterflies flying to the tune of wolves howling. Pretty soon we found ourselves next to a collection of three stones. "These stones are very important, one of many that dot Skyrim landscapes" said Ralof. On each of the stones tere were etched images of a mage, warrior, and thief. "Perhaps you should do a quick prayer, thank the gods for saving your neck from an axe, and your ass from fire". _I like this guy, uses his head for more than just wearing ugly hats. I should definitely listen to his comnon sense ideas. _I approached the warrior's stone and kneeled in front of it. Then something funny happened. I was enveloped in a shower of colorful light and for some reason felt a lot stronger than before. _It feels like a just let out a fart I held in for a looong time._ Ralof was surprised "Will you look at that, seems like those old folk stories about stones of power might be true".

We continued along our path towards Riverwood. Ralof was jogging like he was in a mighty rush to see his sister again. Or maybe he expects an imperial pursuit or something. My thinking was interrupted by a pack of wolves looking for lunch. We must have appeared to be really tasty because they chose us for the main course. Ralof let out some stupid battle cry, while a wolf was trying to bite his dick off. I simply pulled out my trusty mace and smashed the head of a wolf closest to me. Then I decided to try my luck again with the bow and arrow. Again I hit an ass, but it was Ralof this time. He yelled "Hey, watch out!" and finished off the wolf attacking him. With an apologetic look on my face I pulled out of his ass my misguided arrow. I quickly skinned the wolves, because their fur comes in handy in cold Skyrim's weather, and then I quickly ran to catch up with Ralof, who didn't seem like to be in the mood to cancel his morning jog.

"Are we there yet?" I asked as I was getting genuinely bored with the exercise. No sooner had I said that than the walls of the town suddenly appeared in front of me. "Welcome to Riverwood, friend" said Ralof and led us to around the first house on the left, over a creek to a river islet where a woman was chopping wood. _Skyrim desperate housewives, episode one_ I thought to myself wondering where the man of the house is. "Gerdur, my beautiful sister, how are you!" bellowed Ralof. The woman named Gerdur sharply spun around to look at us. "Well, well, look what the dog brought to my doorstep. What is it Ralof, did you lose the war already." "Well aren't you always the brightest ray of sunshine, sister. I came…" Gerdur interjected "To drink my mead and eat all my food again, right. And to hide in my closet for a while because you are in trouble and people with sharp objects are looking for you. Am I right?" Ralof gave her the puppy eyes look "You make my heart bleed sister, you know I wouldn't be here if shit wasn't serious. A dragon tried to roast me!" Gerdur put on a look of genuine surprise "If this is like last time when you said a Daedric prince was after you I'm gonna…" Ralof started waving his arms around "NO, no I promise I am sober this time, and I gotta witness. A LIVE witness, mind you."

He shoved me right in front of his sister's doubtful gaze. "And who might you be? You look like you just escaped a hospital bed." I really was in a bad shape, considering the day's events, but I put on my best lady-killer smile and started spouting honeyed words "My fair lady, me and my friend had just escaped the jaws of a terrible man eating beast. It was a difficult battle and we just need a place to rest for a bit. I assure you we will do our best to make our stay as enjoyable for you as much as it is for us." I ended my speech with a wink.

Gerdur was looking at me like I had two heads or something. "Ralof, tell this cretin to stop smiling like a child molester, and get in the house, quick. If you two push me into killing the both of you I don't want to have any witnesses of the act."


	5. Chapter 5

**A Giant Problem**

Gerdur's house wasn't going to be on the front page of The Nicest Houses of Skyrim weekly, but it was a nice little abode nonetheless. And filled with food. She put some bread and cheese on the table in front of me and Ralof, disregarding his request of mead. „You know what you are like when you drink, brother", said Gerdy "You went out to drink with your buddies one night and came back in a Stormcloak uniform." Ralof was offended "That's not why I enrolled. My homeland needed help and I answered its call". Gerdy rolled her eyes and went downstairs to fetch something from the basement. I went around the basement like Pac-Man eating anything that even remotely looked like food, even something that didn't look like food at all - I think it's called leeks or something. When Gerdy came back from the basement she looked around in bewilderment. Her week's supply of food was gone and she demanded answers "What the hell happened!?". I spoke "I'm glad you asked. As I said, a dragon attacked Helgen. Tore it up like a groom tears up his bride's dress on the wedding night. I mean it was really fu…" Ralof interrupted "That's right sister, and the Imperials are after us, we need a place to lay low."

They started arguing again, showcasing that love all siblings are known for. I took the opportunity and raided the basement. Lots of bottles of mead later I emerged from the basement swaying a bit just in time to hear Gerdy saying "Fine!". She turned towards me and said "I must have lost my mind because I actually believe you about all this dragon nonsense. You need to warn Jarl Balgruuf of Whiterun…" she went on and on about the security situation of Whiterun and what else, I wasn't really listening because in my drunken state the dancing flames in the fireplace fascinated me. "…no walls, so if anyone can help it's the Jarl. Got it?" Took me a moment to realize she was talking to me the whole time, so I just nodded and said "Riiight, right, I'll get to it this instant". She seemed pleased with the answer and then turned around and started bossing her husband and child who just came in through the door. The kid started asking about the dragon immediately and I used the opportunity to leave through the open door, as I doubted my skills of operating door-handles after downing enough mead to knock down a small kitten.

I entered Riverwood's main street and looked around. Town's main populace seemed to be chickens and a cart full of cabbages. Right across the street of Gerdy's house was a building with a wooden sign attached to it. On the sign was the image of golden scales. Either the occupants are telling everybody their horoscope sign or it's a shop. I went inside to check it out. I found myself observing a heated argument between a man and a woman. _More siblings getting along fine, I see._ I didn't pay attention to the argument but instead looked around to see if there was anything that the owners wanted to involuntarily give to charity fund run by me._ *Why can't you just say steal?* _Just as I was about to question my sanity because of an alien voice in my head, the guy turned around and exclaimed "Ah, a customer!"

"Yea, I got some wolf pelts I'd like to sell" I showed the pelts to the merchant. "Jeez, these pelts look like they were chewed by a mammoth. What did you use to kill them?" I shrugged and said "Bludildo" and exposed my mace to his face. "I'll give you 5 septims for each". I was insulted "These are worth four times that and you know it" The merchant started spouting some lame excuses about times being tough and whatever, something about a golden… "Wait, did you just say a GOLDEN claw. As in made of gold?" Merchants face lit up, and he said "Yes, that claw has been in my family for generations. Bandits stole it, if you can bring it back there will be some coin in it for you." My mercenary sense started tingling and I quickly agreed. He explained how to get to some oh-so-dangerous place in the mountains, and paid the full price for my wolf pelts. I thanked him and turned around. "If you can get the claw back I will be very grateful" said his sister who was pretty hot by the way. "How grateful?" I asked putting on my best not-a-date-rapist-smile on my face. She just gave me a weird look and showed me the door, wishing me good luck.

Fantasizing about my future married life with that merchant chick I started walking towards the town's inn. In there I spent all my gold on some more mead and tried to get some sexy blonde to look my way to no avail. Then I remembered something about Whiterun. _What did that Gerdy bird say about that? Warn the Jarl? Maybe there will be some gold in it for me so I can buy something flashy to impress chicks. Oh, and talk to someone about the voices in my head. But impressing chicks is a priority. _I started walking down the road towards Whiterun wondering why all the women seem to be non-impressed by me. Then I stopped and sniffed myself. I smelled like dragonfire and manbearblood. Some wet doggy in there too. I stopped and looked. I was on a bridge. _Perhaps there is a quicker way to Whiterun than walking through wolf-infested forest. _Without second thought I jumped into the river and went with the flow. One huge adrenaline rush later, I found myself in view of the city. _Man, that was a wild ride._ I pulled some salmon out of my ass, saving it for later to consume through the correct orifice and started following the road which seemed to be leading to the city gates. I passed some farms and contemplated the meaning of life, when I spotted something giant out of the corner of my eye. _Oooooh, a giant…_


	6. Chapter 6

**A Fart in the Wind**

A little bit of distance off the road, a giant was yelling and waving a giant club at some very brave people attacking him. They looked puny compared to the Goliath they were fighting, and by the looks of it they were in trouble. Their little swords and arrows did little damage to him, but when it comes to the humans, one wrong move and the giant will one-hit-kill them, resulting in game over. _Should I help them or just pretend that I didn't see a giant… well giant._ As I was contemplating the pros and cons of assaulting someone who clearly has a bigger dick than me, let alone the club, I saw the most beautiful woman I ever seen fighting the giant. The sight of her was like a morning summer breeze, caressing your naked buttocks while you take a piss you held in for a long time, in a beautiful forest filled with melodious bird songs. I fell in love instantly.*_Yea, like she would ever consider even looking at you, fool*_ Disregarding the bothersome voice in my head I pulled out the Bludildo and charged the giant. Impressing girls was still my first priority.

I hit the giant square in the groins. The giant didn't even register the fact that I just hit it in its most tender spot, so I just stood there confused. _Shit, it must be a female giant. Looks like a really ugly dude, though…_ The giantess was probably pissed I just assumed her gender, because she viciously tried to stomp me with its giant foot. I dodged it while trying to think up some other weak spot giants of both sexes have. When her foot brushed my ear, it dawned on me. _There is nothing worse than stubbing your toe, right_ so I brought down the mace with all my might and hit the big toe. The giantess screamed and starting jumping up and down with her hurt wounded foot raised up. The other men used the opportunity to charge her and soon enough, the giantess fell on her back, and was put out of her misery with one swift slash of a sword wielded by some dude in fancy armor. Once it was dead the giantess' final bodily act was letting out a huge fart which knocked everyone down. I, in particular was affected by this dreadful assault and projectile vomited all the mead I drank all over the beautiful maiden I had just saved.

"Ew, disgusting!" she said. Her two companions rushed to her aid, and helped her clean all the green bile off. "Hold on, you still got some left" I said and went over to her and started to violently rub her face. She slapped my arms and said angrily "That's my battle paint you idiot!" _Looks like dried off puke to me_ I thought, but instead said "I'm really sorry. Let me make it up to you. How about a foot massage?" I smiled wryly and put on my best not-a-creep-in-the-bushes face. She looked at me like one looks at a piece of bird shit that just landed on a favourite pair of shoes. "No thank you. Even though you behave like an idiot you fight good. Maybe you would make a decent shield-brother. If you ever find yourself in Whiterun look for the Companions" Then she turned around and started for the city. I just stood there stupidly. *_Jesus, you are a real idiot.* _"Shut the fuck up, stupid voice in my head!" I shouted, and to really drive the point home I hit the stupid voice right in the head with my mace. Darkness overcame me.

I woke up in a field of vile vegetables, with a killing headache. _I hope I killed that stupid voice_ I thought, followed by _I hope nobody saw that, especially that vomit-face girl._ Remembering my quest I set off towards Whiterun's gates. As I walked past the city's stables I saw a camp to my left. It was full of cats. _Khajiit, was it?_ Interested I walked towards their camp. I approached a guy who appeared to be the top dog –well, cat- of the camp. He greeted me and offered me his wares. "You got something for headaches?" I asked. The cat purred "Of course, just don't let the guards catch you with it." When he told me the price I almost fell on my ass. "Who the hell would pay so much for that?" The cat waved its paw "It's illegal, what did you expect?" That gave me an idea. "Well, if it's illegal maybe I oughta tell the good guards to pay you a visit. They will shake you up so bad your fur will fall off" The cat was really distressed. "Hold your horses human, there is no need for that. Khajiit don't want trouble. Here take this as a free sample" He handed me a nice looking little bottle. "See, I knew we could come to an understanding" I said and downed the bottle in one swing. The cat stared at me wide-eyed. _Maybe, that wasn't such a good idea. _The cat in front of me morphed into a brown stool. The landscape turned blue, and the mountains looked like purple mushrooms. I groggily walked up the path towards the gate.

In front of it a yellow penis was denying me entrance. The penis head spoke "No one goes in by the orders of the Jarl. There are rumors of a dragon about." I swayed in his direction and uttered the words "Dragon? Wait until the Jarl sees all the penises standing erect on his walls." The penis leaned threateningly "Are you intoxicated citizen?" With great effort I summoned what was left of my common sense "Naaah, duuuude, I'm just here to tell the Jarl… LOOK AT THAT TURTLE!" The penis produced a sword and pointed it towards me. "What are you on about? Leave, or I shall arrest you and throw you in the dungeon!" _This is bad, come on brain, get your shit together_ I took a deep breath, and with great effort ignored my dead grandma climbing up my leg with a knife between her teeth , in order to say "The dragon… I saw it… In Helgen… Barely escaped with my life…" The penis seemed to soften up "So, it is true. You must be traumatized. For a moment I thought you were drunk or something. Go quickly, you must tell the Jarl what you saw!" As I passed through the open gate I thought _Yes, I'll tell the Jarl all about the penises I saw._


	7. Chapter 7

**Whiterunnin'**

I was in the city finally. The drug effects were expiring, but the colors were still very bright. _I can't go in front of the Jarl like this. I should run this off._ And I started running like the wind. Two Redguards were in front of the gate. One of them turned around when he heard me running and said "Excuse me, do you have a moment?" I blurted out "Yes, I don't" and continued running. It felt good. I almost felt like I was flying. _This is awesome_ I thought as I ran past cozy looking houses wondering what architectural style they were, and how would they look if they were on fire. Pretty soon I found myself out of breath, panting like a dog after chasing another dog's asshole in order to sniff it. Once I was done hacking out pieces of my lungs, I looked around. _Man, that was a good run. I must've ran like, fifty miles._ I looked back and saw it was only fifty meters. _Well, it was fifty meters a second. I'm a champ. I'm a hungry champ._ Like a blessing from above, I found myself standing in the right spot – a market.

I approached a stall that was decorated with nice food, but was struck by lightning once I saw its main decoration. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen was behind the stall. I smiled in a way that best says I-don't-steal-and-sniff-girl's-panties, and greeted her in a most romantic fashion "Hey, gorgeous, want to admire my huge biceps?" I tried to lean on the stall, however, because the drugs still hadn't wore off, my elbow slipped from the edge of the stall, and I hit my head magnificently on hard wood. _Excellent, more hits in the head, just what the doctor ordered._ Once I came to, I was seeing double. There were two most beautiful women I've ever seen standing over me, with a concerned look on their faces.

"Are you okay?" one of them asked. I didn't register her words due to high pitched ringing in my ears that distorted sounds around me to make it sound like a laughter. "This is how my favourite dreams start" I said looking at the two hotties, "Bring me a children's pool filled with hot chocolate. You'll be the wrestlers, I'll be the referee." The girls looked at each other "What's wrong with him, Carlotta?" asked the redhead. "I don't know, he hit his head pretty bad" the brunette answered. They helped me up, dusted me off, put some cabbages in my hands, and sent me on my way, all the while treating me like a ten year old. _I really need to work on my coordination. How will I get chicks if I don't show them I am not a hazard to human life and property? And I really hate fucking cabbages_. With disgust I threw them over my shoulder, causing a cry of pain followed by a crying out "What the fuck!"

_Uh-oh_. An angry redguard was approaching me with and angry look and pieces of cabbage on his face. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" He was in my face "I'll hit you in the head!" _No, not that, just not that! I need to quickly think of something. Something to defuse the situation. _"I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck!" I said. _Yeah, that should do it._ The redguard's hand went towards his dagger, my hand went towards Bludildo. Just as I was about to bitchslap this poor fool with my mace a voice was heard "Nazeem, what's going on?" Guards surrounded us. Nazeem eased up and said "Nothing. This asshole hit me in the head with a cabbage" The guards approached me. "It is illegal to throw vegetables at people's heads citizen. What do you have to say for yourself?" _Be cool, be cool, smile_ Smiling the smile of a law abiding citizen I said "This is all just a big misunderstanding. I'm a cabbage merchant you see. I was just conducting an aggressive marketing campaign"

After proving my innocence with a couple of coins which were mysteriously lost in a guard's pocket I was let go with a stern warning not to waste vegetables ever again. After the guards' backs were turned, I showed Nazeem the middle finger, and briskly walked away. As I was cruising through the city I came across a cow in somebody's backyard. After having a short discussion with it about the meaning of life and our place in the cosmos, I came to the conclusion that the cow was immensely stupid, and that MOOH was certainly not the answer to life's most important questions. Once I was done wasting time in the city streets, and was absolutely certain that the drugs completely wore off, I decided it was high time to see the Jarl. On my way towards the Jarl's pimped up crib, I was stopped at the stairs by a man in a robe. "Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour, Talos?"

_Great, I love listening to people talking about gods all god damn day._ "Look, dude, I know they make you wear a dress, and that makes you angry. But just because you made wrong choices doesn't mean everybody else does. So no, I don't need you proselytizing." The man in a dress raised his hands towards the heavens and said "You need to let Talos into your heart!" I sighed _Well, I tried nicely. Now it's time for the less nice way._ I took a quick look around. _Too many witnesses. _I put my hand around his shoulders "You are right friend! I was blind, but now I see! Come, let's celebrate Talos together!" The poor fella was ecstatic, right up until the point I drowned his ass in a drain pool at the bottom of the palace. Feeling uplifted about the terminal baptizing I just conducted, I went up the stairs and entered the Jarl's palace, _Dragonsbitch._


	8. Chapter 8

**Watching the Watchtower**

The palace I entered was very spacious. After I ascended the stairs I saw two long tables with a huge fireplace in between. The first thing I noticed was the large amounts of food and drink on the tables, and just as I was about to sate my growing hunger, something else caught my gaze. It was a big blade pointed right at my face, wielded by a dark elf woman. It was really close to my face, so I just shook my head and said "I'm not gonna eat that". The dark elf woman was not amused but started barking "Stop! Who are you? No one approaches the Jarl!" like a good trained dog she is. I was irritated by this "You better put that sword down, before I shove it up your place where the Sun doesn't shine" Apparently, this did not convince her I was full of good intentions, as her red eyes went even redder. Just as I was preparing to fulfill my threat and give her a steel enema, an authoritative voice interrupted "Irileth! That's enough. Let him pass." "I shall not!" Irileth said furiously "He is rude, and looks dangerous." Jarl did not relent "You heard me Irileth. I want to talk to him." The elf sheathed her sword and stood aside.

I approached the man wearing a crown, slouching on a throne. _This guy looks important_ I thought. He was observing me, trying to discern why I looked like I was chewed and spit out by a cow. "Who are you, and what do you want?" he asked briefly. "I come from Helgen. A dragon burned the shit out of it." Jarl straightened in his throne-chair. "A dragon you say? The rumors are true? Are you sure of what you seen?" he asked in disbelief. "A large bat-like creature breathing fire, flying around, turning people into roast meats… You tell me, I could be wrong. Maybe it was just an oversized pigeon which ate something spicy." The Jarl let out the incredibly wise "Hmmm." Another man standing next to his throne said "If the dragons are back, that will really bring down the price of real estate in the city. Something must be done." Jarl turned his head to look at him "Yes, I know that Avenicci, but I'm more concerned about muh people." This prompted me to remember what Gerdy birdy said, and I spoke "The people of Riverwood are in danger. I was asked to request aid. Try sending them some catapults, your finest honeyed pork, and some ointment for burns. Gods know they are in dire need of all that stuff."

Jarl started arguing with the Avenicci fella, who must be his steward or something, about sending guards to Riverwood. Apparently there was some political issue somewhere. I coughed "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt this terribly interesting conversation, but I gotta ask. Where can I find a…" I was interrupted myself when the palace doors swung open with a bang, and somebody screaming "Murder! Bloody murdeeeeer!" Heavy steps could be heard, and after a symphony of thumping sounds, the shortest, fattest guard I have ever seen, whose name probably wasn't Steve, appeared up the stairs, making his way towards us with heavy panting. "What is it Bogirth?" Irileth demanded "Cant't you see we are having an important conversation. The guard caught his breath and said "Somebody killed Heiskr! Drowned him in the palace reservoir like a puppy!" Jarl looked up to the ceiling "What a tragedy. Organize a dignified funeral, and find the murderer." I just looked down to the floor and said "Oh, I just remembered I have an appointment with a toilet seat, regarding dumping some waste, so I'll just be on my way." I turned to leave, but Irileth blocked my path, looking at me suspiciously. She said "Stay for a while, stranger, maybe you can answer some questions." I just smiled like a friendly-and-handsome-stranger and said "Will I win a prize if I get all the answers right?"

In the meantime the Jarl was sweating the guard "Besides this unfortunate and tragic event, which will deeply disturb the entire city, is there anything else going on?" The fat little guard was panting, speech obviously being a difficult exercise for him "Not much my Jarl, just the usual. Brenuin is still offering to orally pleasure anyone for half a coin, someone threw a cabbage at Nazeem again, and more guards have been caught masturbating on duty on the walls. It gets pretty boring out there." Jarl just sighed "If that is everything you can go." The guard started to leave, but then suddenly turned around and said "There is one minor thing, my Jarl, apparently something called a drag-ohn was sighted near the western watchtower. Just thought you'd want to know" Then he left leaving everyone sitting on and around the throne with mouth agape.

The Jarl stood up with a deliberate look on his face "Irileth, muster the guards. We must protect muh people." Then he looked at me "You go too, you're the only one here who's seen a dragon and lived to tell the tale. We could use your experience." _Aw, hell naw._ I said "No thank you. Me and that dragon aren't exactly best buddies. In fact, last time we saw each other he tried to eat me. It was very rude of him." The Jarl did the puppy-eyes and said "Pwease" I shook my head and said "Oh, all right. Not like I have anything better to do." _In fact, if it is the same dragon it would be a polite thing to thank him for cancelling my execution. Putting everything else aside that was really nice of him._ Irileth was checking her sword and armor, no doubt mentally preparing for some extreme bird-watching. A bird that has sharp teeth and breathes fire. "Stick close to me and you might survive this." Somehow I got the feeling that that 'might' was dangerously emphasized. But I could only think of one thing _I wonder how does dragon meat taste like?_


End file.
